Sleepless Nights
by EnjolrasForever
Summary: Bookverse: from The Silver Branch in the Eagle of the Ninth Series. Justin is having trouble sleeping in the claustrophobic conditions at Paulinus', and Flavius presents him with a better reason for sleeplessness. M/M.


Sleepless Nights

The second night at Paulinus', Justin lied awake, listening to Flavius' steady breathing beside him, warm beneath the gay native rugs. The walls pressed in about him in the darkness, chasing away any thought of sleep. No, he could not be at rest while trapped like a caged animal.

It had been perhaps an hour since lying down, and Justin felt agitated. Abruptly, he sat up, feeling he could not lie still any longer, wallowing in his unease. At the movement, Flavius stirred. "Justin…" he rasped groggily. "What is wrong?"

"It is n-nothing. Go back to sleep."

Flavius, who had not truly been awake, slipped back into restfulness, his breathing returning to a slow, steady pace. Justin lowered himself to the floor once more, attempting to do the same. He told himself he was being silly. Flavius was here, after all. What could possibly happen? Still, he slept fitfully, and did not look too well by morning light.

The next night, exhausted as he was, Justin still could not contrive to rest at ease. Sleep evaded him, even as his cousin lied supine beside him, and he tossed and turned. Again, Flavius woke, soldiers tending to wake at the slightest sound or motion. "Justin," he groaned, irritated to have been awoken, "lie still, won't you?"

Justin flushed to have disturbed his cousin once more, and settled into place, determined to let him have peace. "Sorry, Flavius." But Flavius did not hear him, already fast asleep.

The third night, Justin reasoned with himself as best he could. His fears were ridiculous. They were safe here. It was alright. And soon, surely, they would be away to Gaul. It would be best to sleep while he could. But he found he could not. He sat up, kneading his forehead in frustration.

"Justin?" came Flavius' voice. Tonight, he sounded truly awake. "You have not slept well since we came. If something is the matter, it is in my heart that you should tell me. What makes you feel uneasy?"

"I am sorry, Flavius. P-please, do not worry about me. I am being childish. Sleep, now."

Flavius sat up and peered into the darkness, letting his eyes adjust. "Justin, tell me," he insisted.

The plain boy heaved a great sigh. "You will laugh at me."

From what Justin could tell through the inky blackness, Flavius favoured him with a look of gravity, and said, "Anything that causes a man to lose his sleep is no laughing matter."

Justin sighed again. He trusted Flavius, truly he did. He supposed it would not hurt to voice his fears. "Alright… It's just… I am afraid of s-small, enclosed spaces like this. When I was a boy, I accidentally locked myself in the wine shed for hours and, since that day, I could not stand a p-place like this. I feel… t-trapped – c-caged. I c-cannot seem to shake my discomfort, even if I know my fears to be silly. I am only sorry they have k-kept you from your sleep as well."

"Oh, Justin," said Flavius after a moment, embracing him tightly. "I am terribly sorry that we are in this situation, then. It is perfectly normal for you to feel afraid after such an ordeal."

At that moment, however, wrapped in Flavius' arms, Justin felt anything but fear. His heartbeat quickened and his stomach flipped, and he felt his cheeks grow hot. Intoxicated, Justin wrapped his arms around his redheaded cousin in return, and buried his face in Flavius' neck. "Thank you," he murmured.

"Here, now. I shall lie awake with you until you fall asleep. Perhaps it will help to have company."

Justin was profoundly grateful. "Thank you," he said again.

Eyes having adjusted to the dimness, Justin saw Flavius smile kindly and pat the place beside him. "Come here. Lie down against me. The night is cold." It _was_ a chilly night, and the storeroom was drafty and without a bier or a connection to the hypocaust. Justin scooted closer to his cousin and Flavius pressed his chest to Justin's back, slinging an arm around the smaller young man. "There, now. Comfortable?"

Justin nodded, giving a sleepy sigh. He had not felt so secure in what seemed like years. With Flavius' arm around him, he felt as if he could fall asleep easily. Nothing could harm him now. Flavius' hot breath tickled the back of his neck, and Justin felt an easy joy thrum through his veins. "Flavius?" he murmured. "Would you tell me a story?"

Justin felt a small chuckle rumble through his cousin's chest. He was sure if he could see Flavius now, he would be smiling his lovely smile. "Alright. What kind?"

"Something about yourself. Something happy. From your youth."

Flavius chuckled again. "I should warn you, I had a perfectly dreadful childhood. Always getting into trouble and earning a sound beating."

Justin could hear the jest in the other man's voice, and he smiled playfully. "And I am sure you had all the fun in the world doing so."

"Hmmmm…. Alright. How about this? When I was around fifteen, I decided it would be an excellent plan to become a terrific thief. The world's best thief!"

"A thief, Flavius?"

"I do believe I was inspired by the old tales of Mercury that Volumnia had told me. I took up the lyre, fashioned little wings for my sandals, carved a wooden staff from a branch I found in the forest, and was running about like a proper heathen all around Calleva. I am sure I looked ridiculous, with my blazing red hair; and sacrilegious, to boot. Who ever heard of a redheaded Mercury?"

Justin laughed gently, imagining. "Nonsense, you must have been adorable. I have always liked your hair. It's… ah… very handsome." Justin had been about to say that it was "beautiful", but he had suddenly felt it would be inappropriate to say so. He fell silent, willing Flavius to continue.

"Well, in any case, I hatched a grand plan. I couldn't go around stealing cattle, or I'd be put in the stockades for the night, or worse. But I still wanted to steal something of some importance. So, I decided I would steal the neighbor's prized fighting cock."

Justin drew in a surprised breath. "You _didn't_."

"Oh, I did," said Flavius, shaking his head at his own stupidity. "I set out, one night, after everyone had gone to bed, but it was miles to Marcus' place, and I got lost, and caught in a bog. By the time I reached his hencoop, it was nearing dawn and I was covered in mud from head to toe, having fallen in the dark. I approached, spying my prize, but the beast awoke and crowed loud enough to wake everyone in the house, as well as the rest of the coop. It was a cacophony! And then the dogs began to give tongue as well! Panicked, I realized I had forgotten a sack or a basket to carry the thing away with me, so I tried to herd the creature into a wire cage that had been left lying about, and my arm got a good clawing in the process. Finally, a slave ran out and saved me from death by chicken, and led me by the ear to face his master."

Justin was giggling in earnest now. "So I stood in front of Marcus, my neighbor and a good friend of the family, covered in dirt and blood, with pitiful little wings hanging from my sandals and begged for forgiveness. He was highly amused, I think, though he took care not to show it at that time, and told me that I would come and work on his farm for a month in payment for the havoc I had wreaked. I could do nothing but agree, and by the time I had reached home later that morning, the whole of town had heard about my exploits and uncle gave me a sound beating for contriving to steal my neighbor's property. And also, probably, for embarrassing the family."

Justin laughed aloud. "Oh, Flavius! What a tale! Oh, poor dear, and then you had to do a month's hard labour on top of the humiliation and a beating!"

Flavius laughed along with Justin, but his voice acquired a queerly tender quality as he finished his tale. "Ah, it wasn't so bad. Marcus was very kind to me. He was a nice young man, about 25 at the time, who had inherited the place after his father had died. In that month, we became fast friends, and we grew to love each other. He was my first lover, Marcus was. I left him to fly with the Eagles when I was eighteen, and I haven't seen him since. I hope he is doing well. He had planned to marry a girl in town. I wonder if he has children, now…" Flavius laughed, then, at his own sentimentality. "Ah, but you don't want to hear about old love affairs. Still, one's first lover always holds a special place in one's heart. You understand, surely."

After all the jollity, Justin's blood had run cold. He did not want to hear this. He did not want to hear about Flavius' lovers. Not when –. No, he would not think about that. He refused to think about how he felt about Flavius. He refused to be jealous over something that had happened long ago. He refused to let his dismay show –. Ah, but it was too late. Justin's cold silence had alerted Flavius to the fact that something was amiss.

"Justin?" Flavius said, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at Justin's face. "What's wrong? Are you afraid again?"

"You don't need to f-fuss over me like a mother hen!" Justin snipped with no small amount of animosity.

"Justin!" cried Flavius, aghast at this turn of events. "Was it something I said, or –?"

"It's nothing! Go back to sleep!"

But Flavius was persistent, needing to know what he had done wrong. "Is it – I wouldn't have expected it of _you _Justin but – is it that you disapprove of my having loved another man? Mithras, I was only a _youth_, Justin. It's nothing about which you ought to be disgusted. And, anyway, it was a long time ago. Have the Christians gotten to you?"

"It's not that!"

"Then what? Do you think, because I loved Marcus, that I was the type who whored myself around the barracks, sucking any cock that was shoved into my mouth?!"

Justin gave a horrified gasp. This was not at all going the way he would have liked. "No, no! It's n-nothing like that, Flavius! It's me! It's my issue! I was just jealous! Yes, that's it! I was s-simply jealous that you had a lover so young! That's all, Flavius, n-nothing was m-meant by it, t-truly!"

Flavius eyed Justin warily, unsure whether to believe his hurried explanation. "What do you mean? You can't have been much older. And, in any case, that's not a thing to be envious of."

Justin, who had sat up during the argument to face Flavius, looked down ashamedly at his lap. "It's only, I am very plain," he mumbled, almost too quietly for Flavius to hear.

"What was that, Justin?"

Justin heaved in a heavy breath and spoke more loudly. "You heard Aunt Honoria. I am a very plain man. I know this. But _you_… never mind…" he said, shaking his head.

Flavius' eyes widened in understanding. "Justin… do you mean to say that all of this is because… because you think you are not my equal in _looks_? I would never have expected such vanity from you, dear cousin."

Justin took the accusation of vanity particularly bitterly. "Well, that's alright for _you_ to say, with your gorgeous hair and your handsome face, and your excellent body, but _I_ have never had anything much to be vain about. How can you accuse _me_ of vanity, when you surely had to beat the girls off with a stick!"

"Justin, you can't possibly believe that's true," Flavius said dismissively. "I doubt if I've had any more lovers than you've had."

"You have already t-told me that this is so," Justin muttered, turning away from Flavius.

"What do you mean?" Flavius said, utterly vexed. "I told you about _one_ of my lovers and –" Flavius' face fell. "Oh… Justin…"

Justin felt tears stinging at his eyes. "Don't. Just don't say anything."

"You've never had _anyone_? Not even… not even a hetaera?"

Justin cursed himself for how small and weak he sounded when he spoke next. "No one would want someone as ugly as I am. And it seemed silly to fritter away my pay on women."

"Justin, you aren't ugly."

"You don't have to say that. I know what I l-look like. My head is too b-big for my shoulders, my ears stick out, I'm skinny and g-gangly. I've seen myself in the looking glass."

"Justin, you are _not_ ugly," Flavius said more firmly, taking his cousin by the shoulders. "Would you like to know what I see when I look at you? I see a brilliant, kind, talented young man who loves his work and is willing to do anything for the sake of justice. What you see as awkwardness of limbs I see as adorable; and you have those big brown pup-eyes, and smooth black hair, and a small pink mouth, and when you have a beard it grows in better than mine, and your skin has a vivacious olive glow, and when you speak you always speak for a reason and – "

All this time, Flavius and Justin had been inching closer and closer, until Justin could feel Flavius' breath on his lips and, at last, the cousins leaned in for a kiss. It was a soft, chaste, loving sort of kiss, and neither young man was quite sure who had begun it. But it did not particularly matter, because by the end of it, they each knew exactly how they felt. "And I love you," whispered Flavius against Justin's mouth.

Justin thought briefly that this was a dream. Then it occurred to him that, real though it was, Flavius could be doing this out of pity. He pulled away sharply. He did not want Flavius' pity. "Don't."

If Justin had seen the absolute devastation scrawled across Flavius' face, he would have taken his words back in a moment. But he did not, and continued. "You don't have to say such things, Flavius. You don't have to… I don't want it to be like this. I am sure of your love, as my friend and cousin. This needn't be anything else."

"I – I am sorry, Justin. I thought, perhaps, you might like to… never mind. It was stupid of me." Flavius was silent for a long moment, wallowing in the awkwardness following what he had seen as a clear rejection of his affections. But Flavius was not the sort of man to take things without questioning them. How else would he have become a commander? Wanting to know what he had done wrong, he voiced his concerns.

"Justin… I must know… is it because we are cousins? If that is so, I will say that Achilles and Patroclus were much closer in blood than we are, and many a girl will marry a close kinsman and bear his children. I do not find this thing so ill. Or… do you not find me pleasing? That is alright, truly, I don't mind. Or is it that you only like girls?"

"You know the reason!" Justin cried in distress, feeling that Flavius had taken this charade for the benefit of his vanity much too far.

Flavius, meanwhile, was feeling similarly frustrated and hurt, and Justin refused to give him an answer. "Justin, I do _not_ know the reason, and it would be a great weight off my mind if you would tell me. _Please_."

Justin, wishing this ordeal to be over and done, gave in to Flavius' demands at last. "I don't want you to love me out of pity! I do n-not need that from you, and I would never ask it! I would not have you feel obliged to – to p-please me – only because I have not been man enough to… erm… take care of that myself. Flavius, honestly, stop all of this. You don't have to."

Flavius listened to Justin's explanation with a growing sense of hope. He cocked his head to one side. "What if I want to?"

"What?"

"I have told you, Justin, that I love you. I want you to be mine. I want to kiss you and hold you and touch you. I _want_ to do all of these things. If your only objection is that you believe I would love you out of duty, then you have no objection at all."

"F-Flavius?" Justin said, unsure.

"Justin. May I kiss you again? I assure you that I should sorely like to."

"I – Flavius, I do not –"

Justin was not able to voice any further objections, however, as Flavius pressed his mouth to his once more. Despite himself, Justin found himself leaning into his cousin, enjoying his lips against his own.

Flavius pulled away after a moment, planting a kiss lightly onto Justin's nose. "Justin, let me love you."

"Flavius… I do not want this out of pity."

Flavius silenced the dark haired young man once more then said, saucily, "Well, that's lucky, then, for I assure you I would never have let you have me on such feeble grounds." He laughed, shrugging off Justin's misgivings lightly.

Justin, however, was not to be ignored. "Flavius," he insisted, vexed, "_don't_ make light of this!"

Flavius, sobered by Justin's persistent concerns, locked his green eyes on Justin's brown. "Justin," he began in earnest, "I will say it as many times as need be. I _want_ to love you. I _do_ love you. I have loved you for a very long while. Do not mistake my light-heartedness at finding a love requited for flippancy. I assure you that I fully recognize the gravity of the situation, and that I plan to appreciate you accordingly."

"Flavius…" Justin said in one last tired protestation, but no longer having the strength of will to refuse, he pressed his lips to his cousin's.

Flavius was delighted, and enthusiastically explored Justin's mouth. Justin had always been a quick study, so he was soon reciprocating admirably. The red haired young man moaned into his mouth before breaking to breathe. "I _knew_ you wanted me," Flavius said, chuckling.

Justin swatted him gently on the arm. "Oh, shush, you silly creature. You have an absolute talent for ruining a moment."

Flavius laughed again, and pulled the dark haired boy into another searing kiss. "You cannot blame me for being a bit overly jovial, my dear." Then he kissed Justin firmly before he had the chance to reply.

Justin probably would not have even if he could have done so. He had been driven nearly out of his senses with lust, overwhelmed by the onslaught of new sensations. Not only had he never been kissed or touched in this manner, but he very seldom attempted to pleasure himself. So, to his woeful embarrassment, he was achingly hard after only these few slick kisses.

His slim hips moved of their own accord, rutting against Flavius' body as they kissed. The redhead groaned and pulled away, pupils blown wider than the darkness would force. "Ach, Justin you'll drive me mad." He attempted to kiss Justin while simultaneously removing his breeks but, when that proved ineffective, he kneeled up to pull frantically at the laces. At last, the redheaded youth was able to shove the offending fabric down Justin's thighs. "Mithras, you're so hard for me," he rasped out between heavy breaths. And, without further ado, took Justin into his mouth.

The smaller man, to his credit, did not scream, managing to shove a fist into his mouth before he alerted everyone to their whereabouts and got them both killed. Still, he grabbed a fistful of Flavius' bright hair and mewled helplessly around his fingers. Flavius smirked around Justin's cock and redoubled his efforts. It took all of Justin's willpower not to fuck his cousin's mouth in earnest, and he could not suppress a few frantic thrusts into Flavius' silken heat. Flavius took it all in stride, sucking and licking and swallowing when in danger of being gagged, and Justin spilled into Flavius mouth perhaps a minute later, biting down on his knuckles hard enough to draw blood.

Heaving air into his lungs, the dark one collapsed, boneless, onto the gay native rugs. Vaguely, he registered the unmistakable sound of skin on skin as Flavius pulled himself to completion. Then there was a small groan, and a warm body crumpled to the floor beside him. Justin turned and nestled into Flavius' chest, and the redhead pulled him close and threaded his fingers through Justin's black hair.

There was a long silence, punctuated only by steadying breaths, then Justin spoke. "Flavius… I love you."

"You enjoyed it, then?"

The awkward boy laughed, ears pinkening. "I think the answer to that is obvious."

Flavius chuckled. "You know… for once in my life, I am exceedingly glad to have been awoken in the middle of the night."

"You certainly helped keep my mind off my worries," Justin said, eyebrow arched in amusement, comfortable enough now even to banter. Everything was alright with Flavius.

Flavius grinned wickedly. "Oh, yes. I think that we have just found ourselves an excellent method of whiling away the hours till Gaul. And I fully intend to immerse myself in this newfound… hobby."

They laughed and they kissed and they nuzzled until both drifted into the depths of sleep. And Justin was too worn out to wake until morning.


End file.
